Lily's Date with the Giant Squid
by ForPetesSake
Summary: l“I wouldn’t go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid!” yelled Lily. “Well. If that’s how you want to play it,” muttered James … R&R.
1. Detention and Broom Cupboards

**Title: Lily's Date With the Giant Squid **

**Summary: "I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid!" said Lily. "Well. If that's how you want to play it," muttered James ...**

**Disclaimer: I disclaim Harry Potter. There, all disclaimed.**

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James rested his chin on the wooden desk, his tongue poked out the corner of his mouth as he concentrated on carving 'I love LE' into the wood, next to the words 'Snivellus Stinks'.

When he finished carving the E he sighed audibly and pushed himself up onto his elbows, glancing at Professor Flitwick, absorbed in marking essays he stretched his arms up, turning to look at Remus Lupin, sat next to him. He grinned cheekily; Remus frowned and turned back to his own work. James rolled his eyes. Remus would get over it soon enough. It wasn't James' fault McGonagall had put Remus in detention with him and Sirius. James wasn't too bothered about this newest detention, as far as he was concerned. Snivellus deserved what he got.

James frowned slightly; Snape could expect quite a few 'nasty surprises' over the next few days, after calling Evans 'mudblood'. James could take Snape saying things about him, but even if he didn't have a huge crush on Lily, he wouldn't stand for it.

Flitwick glanced at the clock:

"Right boys, you may go, try and keep out of trouble in the near future would you?"

James grinned:

"I'll try, Professor"

Flitwick sighed; looking disappointed, and exited the classroom.

"What's up with him?" James said, a little disturbed by the disappointment on his Professors face. He glanced over at Remus.

"Don't talk to me!" Remus said loudly, "you either!" he added as Sirius strolled up to them from the back of the classroom, yawning:

"What'd I do?" he said, an air of innocence about him, betrayed only by the mischievous look in his eyes.

Remus let out a hiss of frustration, and swinging his bag over his shoulder, left the classroom:

"What's the matter with very everyone today?" James questioned in surprise.

"I dunno" Sirius replied airily. "Lets get some food"

"It's two in the afternoon Sirius, we had lunch an hour and a half ago!" James said loudly.

"Your point?" Sirius asked, looking questioningly at his messy-haired friend.

"Nothing, I was just commenting on the fact that we haven't eaten for an hour and a half" James replied, "no wonder I wasn't feeling quite myself".

Sirius grinned and they began to walk out of the classroom. As he followed James he glanced down at the desk James had been sitting at, he grinned at the 'Snivellus Stinks' carving, then frowned slightly as he saw the next:

"James, we really need to get you a girl – and NOT Lily!" he added as James tried to interrupt.

"What do you mean Lily? I'm over that one my friend" James said airily, sweeping out of the room.

Sirius rolled his eyes and followed James out of the room, about 10 minutes later they were on their way back up to the Gryffindor dormitory, arms laden with food.

"Huh!" a voice said from a room to the left, Lily Evans walked out of the empty classroom, books in her hands. James stared at her inquiringly, a slight grin on his face.

"Afternoon Lily!" he said lightly.

Lily scowled at him, "not for Severus, I'm sure."

James grin got wider. Lily didn't fail to notice:

"That was despicable James!" she began, "of all the mean stunts you've pulled that's got to be the-"

Sirius zoned out at this point, well used to Lily's never-ending tirades towards James, he rolled his eyes and began to walk slowly up the corridor.

Lily was still ranting furiously at James who strode off down the corridor after Sirius, Lily jogged slightly to keep up with him:

"I wish you'd leave him alone! Just go and apologise to him! He doesn't deserve that!" she continued, James stopped and turned towards Lily, she also stopped mid sentence, surprised, James usually kept quiet whilst she was ranting at him.

"Lily" James said calmly, "Sorry."

"Wha?" she said completely stunned, "you're sorry about Snape?" she continued, her face brightening, "this is great James! Just brilliant, don't you feel better know you've apologised? I hope this means you'll leave him alone know because-"as she was babbling James had hold of her arm gently underneath her elbow, and was leading her to a broom-cupboard, leading her in there, he backed towards the door, Lily was still completely oblivious, lost in the thought that James Potter may have finally changed.

"Actually, Lily" James said loudly, "I'm sorry about this". He stopped and flashed her a lopsided grin before closing the cupboard door and locking it. He shook his head, and whistling to cover up Lily's violent yells of what she would do to him when she got out of the cupboard, he strolled up the corridor towards Sirius;

"If you want to go out with her I think you're going about it the wrong way" Sirius commented, glancing at the cupboard shaking heavily with the blows Lily was raining down on it;

James shrugged:

"I wonder when she'll remember she can 'Alohomora' her way out of there" he said vaguely.

"Probably when she stops thinking about your violent death" Sirius said with a grin, putting a fake look of worry on his face, he added:

"Maybe we should have left her some food, she could be in there for years!"

James shoved his friend playfully and they continued up to the Gryffindor tower.

* * *

About an hour later, Sirius and James had finished all the food they had brought up to Gryffindor tower, contemplated doing some homework, decided against it, and begun a game of 'put an exploding snap card on as many chairs as possible then laugh when someone sits down on it'. Unfortunately, Remus had sat down on one of the chairs; and the two boys were now mournfully contemplating life without Remus' Charms notes.

Suddenly, a first year rushed into the Common room, he tripped through the portrait hole and desperately scrambled to get up:

"What's wrong with you?" James asked, in a bored voice, running a hand through his hair.

"Lily!" the first year panted "...Evans. Coming up here. Now. Broom Cupboard. Furious!"

James jumped up, Sirius right behind him, they glanced around madly for a few seconds until Sirius shouted: "Dormitories!"

Both boys sprinted up the stairs, closely followed by the petrified first year. The rest of the common room looked amused as they wondered what James and Sirius had done now. Lily burst through the portrait, in her fury; she became the second person that day to fall into the common room. She quickly righted herself and grabbed a passing second-year by the collar:

"Where. Are. They?" she said through gritted teeth, hair askew, face a bright red and eyes dancing angrily:

The second-year squeaked, pointing up at the entrance to the boy's dormitories.

"Right" Lily said grimly, letting goof the first year, who promptly ran. She rolled up her sleeves and charged up the stairs:

"POTTER!"

The common room waited with baited breath as they heard anguished wails coming from upstairs, Sirius ran into the Common room, almost falling down the steps in his haste to get away. James followed him quickly, Sirius dove behind a sofa, made immensely more difficult by the fact that he was wearing a ladies ball gown, James dived behind him, tottering in a mini-skirt sand heels.

Lily came strolling down the stairs:

"Next time ... you ..." she said, obviously not able to find words strong enough to describe her rage, she shook her fist at him violently, before storming off to the girls dormitories.

"You look pretty," Sirius said to his friend, grinning.

James glared.


	2. Pencils and House Elves

**Title: Lily's Date With the Giant Squid**

**Summary: "I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid!" said Lily. "Well. If that's how you want to play it," muttered James ...**

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Disclaimer: Unfortunately, my name is not JK Rowling and I'm not a zillionbilliontrillionaire! Therefore, I do not own anything to do with Harry Potter! So you can put your Lawyers phone numbers AWAY!

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**Thank you for the 11 reviews I'm very flattered! I can update cause I exceeded my target! Whoopeee! **

**Anyway, cause I have schoolwork and stuff that I really should be doing, i.e.: Shakespeare Essays and coursework on Greek Art, not mention the Rasputin thing, I am afraid I will not be updating till I get, hmmmm, lets see ... 25 reviews! I'm sorry and I know this is mean, its just I have lots of work and me updating this all the time if no-one reads it seems a bit pointless! So please review! I love constructive criticism! If I've made a mistake or something seems odd to you! Please tell me!**

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**Chapter Two**

Later on that afternoon, Sirius and James had burnt their dresses, despite Peter's insistence that James actually looked:

"Really nice!"

They had left Peter in the kitchens for the afternoon, as he was starting to freak James out a little bit:

"Was she really mad?" James said nervously

"You locked her in a cupboard for three hours" Remus said dryly, looking up from a thick book, "she wasn't exactly jumping for joy, as you saw" he grinned widely, remembering the dresses.

"How'd she get out?" Sirius asked idly, flicking bits of paper across the table, James frowned at him, realising the bits of paper had just been torn from his Astronomy homework, but turned back to Remus:

"Some first year, he opened the door and she came charging out sending hexes flying everywhere, he was terrified, I think he's in the hospital wing at the moment having a pencil removed from an 'intimate' area"

Sirius burst out laughing, James, looked slightly worried:

"She blames me doesn't she?" he asked Remus gravely.

"Yep" he said, standing up he threw his book on the table, "I'm going to go see Peter", he said vaguely, wandering out of the Common Room.

James frowned:

"What's the matter?" Sirius said, smiling widely.

"Do you think ... if I was ... nice ... to Lily, she'd go out with me?" James said looking at Sirius.

Sirius pretended to think deeply for a moment before saying:

"Well ... if you ... no."

James shoved him, looking a bit woebegone. Sirius, who didn't like it when James got into these Lily-induced depressions, leaned forward and whispered,

"Lets go to the hospital wing"

James looked up and smiled wickedly.

* * *

"OUT!" screamed Madam Hadley, "THIS IS NOT A ZOO!" 

James and Sirius flew through the doors laughing, landing on their bums outside the door:

"That was ... I've never seen ANYTHING like it!" James gasped through his laughter.

Sirius snorted loudly, which only made them laugh harder:

"What are you two doing?" a frosty voice said, Lily was standing nearby, a bunch of Honking Daffodils in one hand, she was squeezing them so tightly the honking echoed down the corridor.

"Just ... er ... admiring your handiwork" Sirius sniggered.

Lily's eyes opened wider, as she realised hat he was talking about:

"How dare you! That was a COMPLETE accident! I thought he was _you_!" she yelled accusingly pointing at James.

James looked quite hurt, then grinned, "maybe it was the pencil, but I don't screw my face up like that!"

"Shutup." she said grumpily, scowling at James, "you _know_ it was an accident!"

"You just said you meant to do it to James!" Sirius replied, grinning, "Would that have been an accident?"

"No." she said an evil glint in her eyes.

At that point a furious Madam Hadley, burst out of the hospital wing:

"I am trying to perform an immensely complex procedure in here! Since you seem incapable of keeping quiet in the corridors you can all go and see Professor McGonagall!"

"But-" Lily started.

"Go." Madam Hadley said menacingly.

Lily turned, with a glare on her face and began to drag her feet down the corridor, Sirius trailed after her.

James looked up at a glaring Madam Hadley, he smiled at her charmingly, Lily and Sirius had stopped, and were looking half-hopeful James would charm their way out of it:

But then James opened his mouth:

"Would a sharpener be of any use?"

* * *

"This really hurts!" James whined as they stood waiting for Professor McGonagall, he rubbed his bum again, wincing. 

"You should've kept your fat mouth shut then" Lily said grumpily, picking her nails.

"That is a disgusting habit," Sirius said, stretching out his own fingers.

"You _chew_ yours!" James said disbelievingly. Lily screwed up her face. Sirius grinned.

"We should tell Remus we're going to be in detention tonight" James said idly.

"He'll guess." Lily said viciously.

"Don't you want to inform your friends Lily?" Sirius said sarcastically.

"Oh no, Sirius, you must've forgotten" James continued loudly, "Evans doesn't have any friends"

"Unless you count Severus!" Sirius grinned. Lily got up stiffly and walked to the window on the other side of the corridor, looking out of it so they couldn't see her face. Sirius and James traded glances, Sirius shrugged.

A few minutes later, Professor McGonagall came walking up the corridor, humming to herself, when she saw the group outside her office her face hardened:

"In." Sirius dragged his feet into the office, and as Lily turned, James could see her eyes were slightly red, he looked at her curiously, but she kept her head low and walked in.

Ten minutes later they exited the office, Sirius was rubbing his left ear. Whilst James was limping with every other step:

"Why does she always yell in my ear like that?" Sirius asked

"Why did she make _me_ sit on the floor?" James chimed in, "she knew my bum hurts, so she did it on purpose!"

Lily yawned loudly and obviously.

"What were you so red-eyed for?" Sirius said tactlessly, James would have shoved him, but he was just about to ask that question as well:

"I wasn't." she replied stiffly, speeding up, the boys also sped up, one on either side.

"Is it because you have no friends?" Sirius asked, trying to sound friendly.

"Shut up." Lily said tiredly, "I don't need friends, I'm concentrating on work, and its not like I don't _talk_ to people" she said, before realising she was trying to justify herself to _them_. Sirius nodded sympathetically, then rolled his eyes at James behind her back.

James grinned; looking as if he'd suddenly had a very good idea:

"We'll be your friends!" Lily gave him a very nasty look.

"No thanks." She began to walk very fast up the next corridor, James would have followed her, but Sirius had got his hand stuck in a suit-of-armours visor, again.

* * *

"Why do you keep doing this? Just out of interest?" James asked Sirius whilst trying to pull his hand out of the visor. 

"I swear there is a House Elf living in there!" Sirius replied, "Ow! And I bet Lucius Malfoy 20 Galleons I could catch it! I keep seeing its head pop out of the visor, but when I try and grab it, this happens" he continued indicating his trapped hand.

"What possesed you to make a bet with Malfoy?" James questioned, "and where would you get 20 Galleons from?"

"Malfoy" Sirius answered simply, "when I win."

James rolled his eyes:

"We could just ask one from the kitchen to pretend!" he said frustratedly, "Malfoys an idiot he wouldn't realise!"

Sirius looked confused:

"But that'd be cheating!"

"How long have you been friends with James again Padfoot?" a voice said, floating down the corridor.

Sirius grinned: "Lupin! I got my hand stuck!"

"Really?" Lupin replied, looking utterly un-shocked, "did you at least get the Elf?" he said sarcastically.

"Nah" Sirius replied, "this is probably the wrong suit of armour" he gave a wide grin and glanced at Lupins companion:

"Any ideas Peter?"

"I have some massage oil, might loosen it"

"What?!" James said, pausing in his dismantling of the armour, and joining Lupin in looking disgustedly at Peter.

"Why do you have massage oil?" Lupin asked, unconciously taking a step away from Peter.

"Emergencies!" he replied, squirming uncomfortably.

"Eugh" Sirius said loudly

"I hope that emergency would be a woman" Lupin muttered, walking over to Sirius and joining James in trying to pull him out from the suit of armour.

"Peter!" Sirius bellowed after ten minutes of fruitless tugging, "get the massage oil!"

Two passing third years raised their eyebrows:

"We're just friends!" Sirius said, with his eyes wide and innocent.

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